Dois

In Portuguese the word “dois” means “two”.

Interesting enough it was only yesterday that I listened to an old time favourite song, from a Brazilian group called: Legiao Urbana. The song is called “Eduardo e Monica” and was released in 1986, part of the album called “Dois”. You actually will need to listen and watch a modern video of this old song, I am sure you will like it! Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qr0378vrXA

If you have seen the video, you would have noticed that they had twins, a boy and a girl. Today, two eggs were retrieved, one from each ovary.

This may not make any sense, but who knows, twins may be on its way!

Now, to the horrible waiting game! 

Isn't this ironic?

I just read my last post and realised how often I refer to God as “Ironic”.

It’s now February and a lot has happened since my last post. Since I am only human, I can only remember the bad bits although I try my best to see the other side of the coin.

Abby lost her baby at 7 weeks, what a great way to celebrate my birthday: Not! It was horrible and the ordeal she had to go through was quite extensive; blood test after blood test and a thought of a possible atopic pregnancy.

Right before Christmas we were back at the Doctor. I have agreed to do another cycle. One more time, to give Abby an opportunity of having more children, as she only has two embryos in the freezer which, by the way do not look very hopeful. Remember that they were frozen at 4 days, which means fewer cells. Anyway, I keep the thought of they may not look good but may give great results!

As you aware, I am not as fertile as I possibly could, and I have been stimulated once, hence my chances of getting nice, good eggs reduce.  So, instead of Abby trying her luck with the two embryos, the Dr. suggested to do a fresh cycle.

It makes perfect sense and yes, the Dr. knows what she is talking about!

Tomorrow is my ‘Egg Collection Day’! Let me tell you, this time around, the ride has been easier but when it became tough, it was tough!

I was subscribed a 350 iu dose of Gonal F, a slight increase from last time and thankfully no Synarel!!! It didn’t prove all that effective on me, but it also meant I had to endure more shots of Orgalutran. I had 4 shots on the 3^rd I learned a trick to help reduce the bruising; I can’t rub the injection spot after injecting! No bruised tummy with the last two shots, but the bruise from first two is still visible!

So what was easy and what was tough? The meds were the easy part, no strange side effect and I think I that Henry would say that I am no different, besides being a little bit emotional-irrational when things got tough.

Picture this: First ultrasound of first IVF cycle, I had 11 follicles, which were great! Even with all the other complications I finished the cycle with 7 follicles and 6 eggs! First ultrasound of second IVF cycle, I had three (3) follicles! What the heck?! I was expecting at least the same numbers as before!!!

My logical side is thinking is this worth it? I mean three?! Is that right? To end the IVF cycle would be Abby’s call. I thought of the expense, she thought of the possibility. I cried over the end of my ‘fertile status’ and she laughed when I told her that we are like two blind mice. Emotionally, I will tell you, it was tough, especially when you are on high dose of hormones!

I look back now and think of all the tears I shed on this. I felt incapable, although I know I have no control over my body. I felt like God had slapped my face and was laughing at my cost; I can hear the teasing... I feel young, I am young, but my body is really slowing down... The Dr. knew what she was talking about; if we waited another six months (in case two embryos didn’t result in pregnancies) my chances of harvesting good eggs would decrease even more.

The hope now is that these three follicles hold three perfect eggs which will get fertilized, turn into beautiful embryos and last not only the five days to transfer but an entire pregnancy.

Now, the irony of this is that if all goes well, it means that Abby will have a baby around her birthday this year; which will make her forget that it was around the same time last year when she first miscarried. I pray to God that this is the case! I would love to keep ‘my tradition of an Ironic God’.

I say that not in a disrespectful way, it is just because you have to try hard to find where God is when things don’t go as you wish. You have to flip the coin & search for it. Where is God when I saw three follicles? He was there, laughing at my thought of invincibility and assuring me that these three follicles are all Abby needs.  No excess, just the right dose of perfection.

I am still trying to find the other side of the coin on my childhood friend’s death.  Betinho died two days after Christmas in a fatal accident. Not only my world collapsed, but all that knew him. He was only 35; only two months and ten days older than me. He was serious and silly, boring and fun. He endured a lot in his short life and always came out on top of it. I will miss him dearly. His death changed a few priorities in my life. 

Joy!

I have started writing this on October 31^st. At that point in my life, I realised how much God has been very generous to me. This is what I wrote:

“Yesterday I called my dad, like I usually do and he shared the most beautiful news. My older brother, the one who has gone though one cycle of IVF, then adopted a baby nearly a year ago is expecting a child. I was a complete mess, immersed in an irrational emotion of tears, joy, fear and bewilderment. Has life done a full circle around me? “

Knowing what I know today, the 9^th of November, I rest assured that life has done a full circle around me. I almost feel that I had to give, compassionately and lovingly in order for my brother to receive. It may sound a bit irrational to “proclaim” my brother’s success, but it only makes sense.

The day before my last therapy session for the donor-egg program, back in September, I went to a Christian women’s conference called ‘Fresh’. It was there that I reaffirmed my belief in what I was about to do. I still have the piece of paper where I wrote: “I am compassionate; I feel loved and I will give.”

The conference’s theme was ‘JOY’. We often forget to celebrate life as it is, we find it hard to feel grateful, to trust someone and hardly ever find any time for God.

Let’s put it this way; soon I will be 35, the very next day it will be 24 years since my mother died. When I was young I thought that God was so ironic to let me celebrate my life and yet be reminded of how short we live; sometime only to the very next day. Life has never been a piece of cake and this time of year it is far from easy for me; but besides right now, you’d probably never hear me say that again.

I have never been so happy with someone else’s happiness and have never been so pleased to understand and know how much another person’s happiness can make such a positive difference to my life.

Yes, Abby is pregnant and her journey into motherhood is just beginning.

We had a stressful week!

After her first blood test, things didn't seem to be as good as the nurses wanted; Abby had to do another blood test and then, low and behold, her numbers were high and a pregnancy was confirmed!

I am sure she is over the moon, I am over the moon!

I wonder if that is it for me. Have I accomplished my mission? How do I thank God enough for all the wonderful things He has done in my life? Mind you, not all things were wonderful, but I do try my best to see the most wonderful in it all.

After all, we only live once and it is confirmed; we don’t take anything from here, we just leave behind some bones or ash and other people’s memories of us! We better be grateful, celebrate life more often, trust God and feel the joy of being right here, right now.  Like a children movie's character, Bigweld, once said: “See a need, fill a need”. (‘Robots’ Movie)

The waiting game

Even though I am not expecting to have those embryos back in my tummy, I felt the anxiety that goes with the IVF process. How many of the six eggs got fertilized? How many of those embryos will make through? You better buckle up; it is an amazing roller coaster ride!

I take this as a privilege as most donor-eggs are unknown to receiver, so I am not too sure whether the same donors fell the same, as once the eggs are collected, they no longer belongs to donor; they belong to the recipient.

Day after collection I texted Abby asking what time was she meant to call the embryologist, the reply was within one hour. It was the longest hour of my life, the unbearable curiosity, the hopeless hope, the gruesome fear...

Now it will become clear why I said only six eggs previously. Out of those six, only four were fertilized.  The chances of Abby having a Day5 transfer are pretty dim.

I was in a very foul mood all day Saturday. I think my body misses the hormones or is trying to make a living again without them.  On Sunday the mood swings eased a bit and again, the waiting for that midday phone call was painful.  I tried not to think about it, but I couldn't help it.

Abby called early in the afternoon, saying that 2 embryos looked ok, and the other 2 did not look that good. She is to go back to Clinic on Monday to receive one the best looking out of those two embryos that looked ok.

She is there as I type this. Can’t imagine how excited she must be. It is a “funny” way to conceive a child, but well worth it.

I had a long conversation with my dad yesterday, he wasn't sure of this in the beginning, but now he is totally convinced and optimist about a positive pregnancy test in two weeks time. I have strong feeling that it will work.

I am going up in the roller coaster ride; praying that there will be no sudden fall, just one amazing “o” loop, where I can lift my hands up in the air and scream with joy!

This ride isn't over, not yet!

The egg collection day!

It’s Friday and I am seating on the front seat!

Six beautiful eggs were collected today! At the clinic where I am going they grade the eggs from 1 to 4; 1 being the best quality and 4 the worst. I had five eggs graded 1 and one egg graded 2. The grading system does not guarantee they will make to day five. How many will make it to day five?

We will have to wait and see. The process is so unpredictable, and at the same time so precise! We are aiming for a blastocyst transfer, but Abby may have to do a 3Day transfer, depending on how the embryos go through the days. For more info on the difference between a blastocyst and 3Day transfer please see helpful link: http://parentsviaeggdonation.org/embryofaq.html 

Going back a few days, it was great news to stop the medications and just take one last shot, the trigger injection. I woke up with a massive headache the following day though.

It was wonderful to go on about life without having to worry about ultrasounds and blood tests. I even had my hair permed, straight, so I can let the wild curls grow without guilt! I was off the injections and nasal spray for one day, and felt like I was having a “withdrawal” symptom. Interesting how we get used to some sort of routine so quickly.

With only (feels wrong to say only) six eggs, it is somewhat true that I will have to go through the fertility process again, which I would happily do it. The process has not been as hard as I expected. The end result is far more rewarding than any purple spots in my tummy and blood tests so close together. The emotional roller coaster is a killer; It is hard to prepare yourself to fail when you want to be hopeful and positive! I have mentioned to  a friend that a person going or gone through an IVF process should state that in their resumes, as it takes a lot of determination to pursue it, courage to accept the fall and strength to lift your head up and keep it going. 

For now, I will wait until tomorrow!

Ups and Downs of the IVF process

Three days later after I drafted the previous post, I started Gonal F; didn’t notice any bruising in my tummy until the next day, and still don’t think much about it. I am currently on Day 8 of Gonal F and for the past couple of days my life has been filled with the ups and down of the IVF process.

My first blood test was on my son’s birthday. The results came that afternoon and looked good. I was asked to go in again two days later to follow-up with ultrasound and another blood test. Here lays the good news! I have 11 follicles, six in a very good size (11,12,14,15 & 16) and five in an ok size (3x8 and 2x9). The Doctor was anticipating to see anywhere from 8 to 15 follicles, so I have a good crop. The bad news is that when blood result came back, my LH level (luteinizing hormone) was high, it was 15 meaning that I was about to ovulate! My dear Synarel has not been very effective; the fear that we might have to cancel or hurry into theatre to try to rescue what those nice six follicles were about to release became a real possibility. I had to hurry back to the clinic the same afternoon; I was there within 30 minutes of the nurse’s call.

My tummy now knows no mercy! I have started another injection; Orgalutran. Man that one hurts and stings for quite a while! Not a happy tummy, although it looks funny when you see all shades of purple...

I went for another blood test today and the painful Orgalutran has done its magic, from 15 my LH levels have reduced to 3!!!

I am going to do another blood test and ultrasound tomorrow and depending how the once little follicles look now, harvesting will be done on Friday! I’m a walking egg farm! In the meantime, Abby’s endometrium is ready and next week is not coming quick enough! We have no control over this, can only pray it works! All it takes is one egg –just one egg!  

By the way, I feel no different. I haven’t gone feral, but Henry insists I have been indifferent! Go figure!

AMH Levels, to know or not to know it?

A few days after the last post I got the result of my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) this is a blood test to determine fertility. In Australia, a woman is considered to be on the low side of fertility if her AMH number is less than 14. See helpful link: http://ivf.com.au/ovarian-reserve-amh-test

 I am 34 years old and my AMH level is 5.9!!! Not even a six?! Well, I was shocked. The shock here is possibly very different from most women that haven’t been able to conceive, as I have fallen pregnant three times and have had two healthy babies  -and a miscarriage, so when you are given a number and told you are low; it felt like a slap in the face and a reminder that I was getting old.  Would I still be able to help Abby? I also had to consider the impact of knowing this number. I have always thought about having more children when I move back to Brazil... Then Henry did a great job in reminding me about our old conversations, so I put my AMH level knowledge in the “bin”.

The joy here is that even with a low AMH level, I will still produce eggs; there are countless women that have a single digit, even smaller than mine, that have been able to conceive. It just gets harder to harvest as many as possible and the production of good quality eggs is reduced.

I will start on Gonal F (I say it “gone feral”) soon, with a 300iu dose. Not sure if this is the highest dose, but it is what I will start with.  In the mean time, I am on day 15 of Synarel and do I feel any different? No, not really.

The hay fever symptoms are still there after I inhale the hormones; I have no headaches and my mood has not been badly affected.  I had my “bad mood day” and that was it, but if there was anything that could bring a tear or two, now it means that I will cry a river... Crying is good for the soul, so I am not bothered. I am though, sleeping a lot. I feel constantly tired!

Synarel was meant to delay my period, but it didn’t. I had the worse cramps and the heaviest period in my life! I reported to the nurse how bad the cramps were, really, they were like contractions and how heavy the flow was. All symptoms that Synarel is meant to help with, (reduce cramps, flow, painful bowl movements, etc) I had on the opposite side of the scale! She (the nurse) was surprised as she never heard anyone reporting that before and we were quick to blame my body, still recovering from the cyst removal!