Joy!

I have started writing this on October 31^st. At that point in my life, I realised how much God has been very generous to me. This is what I wrote:

“Yesterday I called my dad, like I usually do and he shared the most beautiful news. My older brother, the one who has gone though one cycle of IVF, then adopted a baby nearly a year ago is expecting a child. I was a complete mess, immersed in an irrational emotion of tears, joy, fear and bewilderment. Has life done a full circle around me? “

Knowing what I know today, the 9^th of November, I rest assured that life has done a full circle around me. I almost feel that I had to give, compassionately and lovingly in order for my brother to receive. It may sound a bit irrational to “proclaim” my brother’s success, but it only makes sense.

The day before my last therapy session for the donor-egg program, back in September, I went to a Christian women’s conference called ‘Fresh’. It was there that I reaffirmed my belief in what I was about to do. I still have the piece of paper where I wrote: “I am compassionate; I feel loved and I will give.”

The conference’s theme was ‘JOY’. We often forget to celebrate life as it is, we find it hard to feel grateful, to trust someone and hardly ever find any time for God.

Let’s put it this way; soon I will be 35, the very next day it will be 24 years since my mother died. When I was young I thought that God was so ironic to let me celebrate my life and yet be reminded of how short we live; sometime only to the very next day. Life has never been a piece of cake and this time of year it is far from easy for me; but besides right now, you’d probably never hear me say that again.

I have never been so happy with someone else’s happiness and have never been so pleased to understand and know how much another person’s happiness can make such a positive difference to my life.

Yes, Abby is pregnant and her journey into motherhood is just beginning.

We had a stressful week!

After her first blood test, things didn't seem to be as good as the nurses wanted; Abby had to do another blood test and then, low and behold, her numbers were high and a pregnancy was confirmed!

I am sure she is over the moon, I am over the moon!

I wonder if that is it for me. Have I accomplished my mission? How do I thank God enough for all the wonderful things He has done in my life? Mind you, not all things were wonderful, but I do try my best to see the most wonderful in it all.

After all, we only live once and it is confirmed; we don’t take anything from here, we just leave behind some bones or ash and other people’s memories of us! We better be grateful, celebrate life more often, trust God and feel the joy of being right here, right now.  Like a children movie's character, Bigweld, once said: “See a need, fill a need”. (‘Robots’ Movie)

The waiting game

Even though I am not expecting to have those embryos back in my tummy, I felt the anxiety that goes with the IVF process. How many of the six eggs got fertilized? How many of those embryos will make through? You better buckle up; it is an amazing roller coaster ride!

I take this as a privilege as most donor-eggs are unknown to receiver, so I am not too sure whether the same donors fell the same, as once the eggs are collected, they no longer belongs to donor; they belong to the recipient.

Day after collection I texted Abby asking what time was she meant to call the embryologist, the reply was within one hour. It was the longest hour of my life, the unbearable curiosity, the hopeless hope, the gruesome fear...

Now it will become clear why I said only six eggs previously. Out of those six, only four were fertilized.  The chances of Abby having a Day5 transfer are pretty dim.

I was in a very foul mood all day Saturday. I think my body misses the hormones or is trying to make a living again without them.  On Sunday the mood swings eased a bit and again, the waiting for that midday phone call was painful.  I tried not to think about it, but I couldn't help it.

Abby called early in the afternoon, saying that 2 embryos looked ok, and the other 2 did not look that good. She is to go back to Clinic on Monday to receive one the best looking out of those two embryos that looked ok.

She is there as I type this. Can’t imagine how excited she must be. It is a “funny” way to conceive a child, but well worth it.

I had a long conversation with my dad yesterday, he wasn't sure of this in the beginning, but now he is totally convinced and optimist about a positive pregnancy test in two weeks time. I have strong feeling that it will work.

I am going up in the roller coaster ride; praying that there will be no sudden fall, just one amazing “o” loop, where I can lift my hands up in the air and scream with joy!

This ride isn't over, not yet!

The egg collection day!

It’s Friday and I am seating on the front seat!

Six beautiful eggs were collected today! At the clinic where I am going they grade the eggs from 1 to 4; 1 being the best quality and 4 the worst. I had five eggs graded 1 and one egg graded 2. The grading system does not guarantee they will make to day five. How many will make it to day five?

We will have to wait and see. The process is so unpredictable, and at the same time so precise! We are aiming for a blastocyst transfer, but Abby may have to do a 3Day transfer, depending on how the embryos go through the days. For more info on the difference between a blastocyst and 3Day transfer please see helpful link: http://parentsviaeggdonation.org/embryofaq.html 

Going back a few days, it was great news to stop the medications and just take one last shot, the trigger injection. I woke up with a massive headache the following day though.

It was wonderful to go on about life without having to worry about ultrasounds and blood tests. I even had my hair permed, straight, so I can let the wild curls grow without guilt! I was off the injections and nasal spray for one day, and felt like I was having a “withdrawal” symptom. Interesting how we get used to some sort of routine so quickly.

With only (feels wrong to say only) six eggs, it is somewhat true that I will have to go through the fertility process again, which I would happily do it. The process has not been as hard as I expected. The end result is far more rewarding than any purple spots in my tummy and blood tests so close together. The emotional roller coaster is a killer; It is hard to prepare yourself to fail when you want to be hopeful and positive! I have mentioned to  a friend that a person going or gone through an IVF process should state that in their resumes, as it takes a lot of determination to pursue it, courage to accept the fall and strength to lift your head up and keep it going. 

For now, I will wait until tomorrow!

Ups and Downs of the IVF process

Three days later after I drafted the previous post, I started Gonal F; didn’t notice any bruising in my tummy until the next day, and still don’t think much about it. I am currently on Day 8 of Gonal F and for the past couple of days my life has been filled with the ups and down of the IVF process.

My first blood test was on my son’s birthday. The results came that afternoon and looked good. I was asked to go in again two days later to follow-up with ultrasound and another blood test. Here lays the good news! I have 11 follicles, six in a very good size (11,12,14,15 & 16) and five in an ok size (3x8 and 2x9). The Doctor was anticipating to see anywhere from 8 to 15 follicles, so I have a good crop. The bad news is that when blood result came back, my LH level (luteinizing hormone) was high, it was 15 meaning that I was about to ovulate! My dear Synarel has not been very effective; the fear that we might have to cancel or hurry into theatre to try to rescue what those nice six follicles were about to release became a real possibility. I had to hurry back to the clinic the same afternoon; I was there within 30 minutes of the nurse’s call.

My tummy now knows no mercy! I have started another injection; Orgalutran. Man that one hurts and stings for quite a while! Not a happy tummy, although it looks funny when you see all shades of purple...

I went for another blood test today and the painful Orgalutran has done its magic, from 15 my LH levels have reduced to 3!!!

I am going to do another blood test and ultrasound tomorrow and depending how the once little follicles look now, harvesting will be done on Friday! I’m a walking egg farm! In the meantime, Abby’s endometrium is ready and next week is not coming quick enough! We have no control over this, can only pray it works! All it takes is one egg –just one egg!  

By the way, I feel no different. I haven’t gone feral, but Henry insists I have been indifferent! Go figure!

AMH Levels, to know or not to know it?

A few days after the last post I got the result of my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) this is a blood test to determine fertility. In Australia, a woman is considered to be on the low side of fertility if her AMH number is less than 14. See helpful link: http://ivf.com.au/ovarian-reserve-amh-test

 I am 34 years old and my AMH level is 5.9!!! Not even a six?! Well, I was shocked. The shock here is possibly very different from most women that haven’t been able to conceive, as I have fallen pregnant three times and have had two healthy babies  -and a miscarriage, so when you are given a number and told you are low; it felt like a slap in the face and a reminder that I was getting old.  Would I still be able to help Abby? I also had to consider the impact of knowing this number. I have always thought about having more children when I move back to Brazil... Then Henry did a great job in reminding me about our old conversations, so I put my AMH level knowledge in the “bin”.

The joy here is that even with a low AMH level, I will still produce eggs; there are countless women that have a single digit, even smaller than mine, that have been able to conceive. It just gets harder to harvest as many as possible and the production of good quality eggs is reduced.

I will start on Gonal F (I say it “gone feral”) soon, with a 300iu dose. Not sure if this is the highest dose, but it is what I will start with.  In the mean time, I am on day 15 of Synarel and do I feel any different? No, not really.

The hay fever symptoms are still there after I inhale the hormones; I have no headaches and my mood has not been badly affected.  I had my “bad mood day” and that was it, but if there was anything that could bring a tear or two, now it means that I will cry a river... Crying is good for the soul, so I am not bothered. I am though, sleeping a lot. I feel constantly tired!

Synarel was meant to delay my period, but it didn’t. I had the worse cramps and the heaviest period in my life! I reported to the nurse how bad the cramps were, really, they were like contractions and how heavy the flow was. All symptoms that Synarel is meant to help with, (reduce cramps, flow, painful bowl movements, etc) I had on the opposite side of the scale! She (the nurse) was surprised as she never heard anyone reporting that before and we were quick to blame my body, still recovering from the cyst removal!

Surgery, doubt, reaffirmation & journey begins!

Few weeks after my post I was under full anaesthesia removing a large cyst on my right ovary! It took me a while to fully recover and contrary to what most people say, I didn't think that laparoscopic surgery is simple and easy...

The shock of the surgery and the sudden realisation that anything can go wrong during the donor-egg process was so real, that shook me up.

I started to wonder I was doing the right thing. Although I always felt that it is the right the thing, the thought did come through my mind. I felt like I was putting pressure in my body to perform and what if it didn't? Thankfully the three month cooling off period approached and I was reminded the day before and during the last counselling session that  I can only control my decision, not the outcome of the process;  If I produce 15 eggs or not, I have no control of it... Can only pray that will actually work!

Today is day 5 of Synarel (twice in the morning and twice in the evening). I feel like I am battling hay fever. I have had no headache and no sign of crazy hormonal symptoms. Then again, if you ask my children they will say otherwise.

I blame everything else but the medication. It has been a stressful week for me; mid-term assessments, my volunteer work and everything else that I like to fit in my small hands, and of course, I can't! Most importantly, to me though, is lack of sex. It’s not that I am not allowed to, yet, but with condoms, why bother? (There was a time in my younger years that condoms were the way to go, I just can't see to remember on awful it is.-Look, I don't want to promote unsafe sex here; is just that after 12 years happily married and no condoms, going back to it feels awkward.)

So, yes, I am in a very crappy mood today and hopefully will be today only. I will have a glass of champagne to celebrate life and the start of a new day for me! Being grumpy and feeling crappy does not fit in with my personality, but if it is the Synarel, then I have no control of it and the end is nowhere near it, yet!! Ouch!

Donor-egg. Why Not?

Thirteen years from now I may be faced with a lovely teenager curious about why did I do it. My question back will be why not do it?
The decision on becoming a donor-egg was a quick one, yet, was and still is one decision that I think the most. First I made the decision myself, and then told Henry about it and with his support I started to consider all the options and scenarios.
One friend told that goes against the Catholic principle and that I was playing God. I replied quickly saying that yes, I could agree that the Church may see me acting like God, but I am God’s image and am doing what Jesus has taught us, which is to do to others like you would like one to do for you. God has allowed mankind to think, thus advancing Medical Technology, in my mind, I don’t believe there is anything wrong with my action. Technology is here to serve a purpose, like all of us are. It’s no different.
The counsellor asked if I would be able to say “no” to Abby through the process, until then, I never thought about it, then came into the realisation that would only stop this process if it’s causing harm to me.
Although Henry always thought I was being silly, I could not get over the idea of too many of my genetic material out there. The counsellor explained that contrary to what I think, I may have to do two rounds of collections, as many of the embryos do not make day five. She also said that they limit the distribution of my eggs to five families. That will only happen once Abby has had her family, which can be a couple of years from now. Then the left over is passed to another family and so on. At last I am in ease that there will not be a kindergarten class with 15 kids with my genetic material. She also said that most donor-egg have no more than six children out there. What a relief!
You may ask why I say relief, well, most women have trouble considering the thought of donating their egg, I have no problem with that, but I am not a proud male that think that there more children like me the better... If compassion was genetic, then sure I would have no problem making other women happy 15 times, but the number sounds so absurd. Thankfully it’s not like I imagined, so relief it is.
Sometimes we do things because it feels right. It feels right to me to embrace this journey. It may not be the perfect analogy, but it feels no different than being an organ donor, well there is a big difference, in this process we are all alive. I am giving the gift of hope, contributing to a dream to come true and fulfilling my own legacy, of helping when I see a need. If you are lucky enough to know me, you know that this is no fame and glory. You know that this is the way I am.
Clearly being a donor-egg is not as easy as being a sperm donor. Soon I will have to start injecting myself with hormones, I will possibly have mood swings and all other possible side effects of making my body produce more eggs than normally would. Does this make me think of stopping the process? No, it’s part of the journey.
I feel excited of being part of something so important to Abby’s life. In all honesty, it’s only my genetic material, besides; I have no control on what genes are going to be in that egg. How many generations ago someone in my family has had chromosome? All I can hope for is that a perfect healthy baby is born nine months after the procedure is complete. From then on, my part is done and Abby and Tim will trace their own journey with their own kid.

Is it really cheaper?

It's been two months since we got back from Brazil and started to enjoy our life in Perth. We truly enjoy where we are, there is lots to do with the kids which brings me to the subject of what is cheap?
I thought that a lot of kids stuff in Karratha were expensive due to lack of choice/competition and because we lived in such rich remote area.
I am starting to doubt that thought I once had.
See, daycare over there was about $100.00 per day, over here $84.00. Soccer; in Karratha $100.00, you had to buy socks and shorts separate, over here $220.00 with uniform included. Swimming; over there was $100.00 per term, over here $130.00. Dancing; there $140.00, here $+/- 130.00. Then there is Circus, $147.00, there is Gymnastics, $7.00 per class (I think that's the only activity which is way cheaper than Karratha). Options here are endless here, I could enroll my kids into a fun filled activity every day, but how can I define cheap? What is cheap when prices are so similar and wages are not?!